<center>Gather around, Oneiromancers, for on this day we bring to thee,
A story, straight from the mouth of Vindhlér!
The man of many names;
Watcher of Asgard;
Born of the seas;
The All-Seer;
Praise be to his name, and <b>[[listen]].</b></center><center> <h1>Godly Competition</h1>
The tale begins like this:
A trio of gods are [[traveling]] through Jötunnheimr...<center>The journey had started out so optimistically, too.
Freyr had thought it would be a quick thing. A day's trip! Because, well, he liked the Aesir, he really did! He didn't feel any of that bitter hatred some of the other Vanir still clung to, and he didn't even have to fake camaraderie like //some// people did.
...But he was also honest with himself. And, honestly? The Aesir were best experienced in small doses. That had been his philosophy since the end of the war, and it had served him well.
But a day's trip. It had sounded pleasant. He'd said yes, like the utter fool that he was.
A day's trip! Between Thor's goats (that he could never remember the names of...), and his own Gullinbursti, they had speedy mounts, and Loki had even convinced Freyja to lend him her falcon cloak. A day's trip.
Of course, Freyr had failed to account for the ''Loki factor''.
Because an hour before they were to set off, Loki had //somehow// angered Freyja, and she'd taken her cloak back, and that had, for some reason, convinced Loki to immediately go and try to aggravate Gullinbursti, and now Gullinbursti flew into a murderous rage at the sight of Loki...
...and Thor had //insisted// that they couldn't just leave Loki behind! So they'd all compromised and decided to //walk//!
That had been [[nine days ago]].Thor had managed to remain a beacon of positivity throughout their travel so far. Loki, of course, had been no help (the [[farm incident]] certainly hadn't made things easier. Thor's goats were still acting... pretty bitey.)
All that to say that everyone was grateful when they came across the building, because Freyr was one more "hilarious quip" away from restarting the Aesir-Vanir war.
The building was massive, and even Thor couldn't hide his relief as he busted his way inside. "Hello?" Thor called inside from the doorway, the sound echoing around the large room. "We come seeking shelter!"
Loki slipped right past Thor and strode inside. "Come now, Thor," he said. "We're gods, we don't need to //ask//. If the owner of this place takes issue, they can bring it up with the All-Father."
It was clear from his tone that Loki expected no issues to be taken. Thor nodded slowly and followed, and Freyr barged in afterwards, long past caring.
They found a side room adequate for camping overnight. They had a brief meal, consisting of Thor's goats. Thor had to stop an attempted murder when the meal inspired Loki to make a sly comment about Gullinbursti.
And eventually, the three of them [[slept]].Early on in the journey, the three of them had spent the night at a farmstead they'd happened across. The farmers were kind hosts, but they hadn't had much to offer.
"Not to worry!" Thor had said. And he'd brought inside his two goats and slaughtered them for their meat, saying, "I'll simply resurrect them in the morning!" (Because that was something he could do, Freyr had just learned.)
So the three gods gathered around the dining table with the farming family. "One request, my friends!" Thor boomed (startling the family.) "Partake in this meal provided by my goats, but do not break their bones!"
The family agreed, the meal began, and, of course, the instant he wasn't being watched, Loki leaned in towards the farmer's son and whispered, "If you eat the bone marrow, you'll become as strong as Thor."
The farmer's son looked at him with wide eyes, and, believing the Liesmith, he cracked open a bone and sucked out the marrow.
The next morning, Thor brandished Mjölnir and his goats rose, living again -- but, he quickly noticed, one of them had gone lame.
The farmstead shook with Thor's anger ("''I TOLD YOU TO NOT DO //ONE THING// -- AND WHAT DO YOU DO?!''"), terrifying the farming family.
Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed when Freyr stepped in. "Thor," he argued, "it's not their fault. I don't have any proof, but somehow I just //feel// like Loki caused this."
And the two of them looked towards Loki, who shrugged and said, "Well, yes."
So Thor apologized for scaring the family, and the trio of gods went on their way, Thor declaring that Loki would face retaliation once they returned to Asgard.
(If Thor remembered.)
(Thor wouldn't remember. He was terrible at holding [[grudges|nine days ago]]).<center>Except, the trio of gods realized quickly, something was amiss;
For soon in the night the land began to shake;
Earthquakes thundering and powerful kept them awake,
and the trio of mighty gods cowered together,
Loki, for once at a loss for words;
Freyr, just wanting a good night's rest;
And Thor, holding Mjölnir close;
The three of them waited out the night;
And the next day, when the sun rose,
they met [[the giant]].<center><center>When the trio of gods left the building the next day, they were met with a Jötunn the size of a mountain.
The Jötunn smiled down at them. "Why, Aesir!" he called, his booming voice shaking the ground. "What were you doing in my glove?"
And the Jötunn picked up the 'building' and slipped it onto his hand!
Needless to say, the three gods were a little...
...intimidated.
The Jötunn introduced himself as ''Skyrmir'', and revealed he was heading in the same direction as the three gods;
And when he suggested they travel together, well,
the trio said [[yes]].<center><center>So Skrymir and the trio traveled for the day, and it was actually kind of nice.
And when night fell and they settled in to camp, Skrymir fell asleep instantly,
and he began to snore.
And ''snore.''
And (css: "font-size: 150%;")[''SNORE.'']
Earthquakes shook the land as the massive Skrymir snored, and the gods came to a realization;
And deep into the night, unable to sleep due to the rumbling sounds from the giant,
Thor, enraged, took his hammer and bashed the sleeping Skyrimir in the skull.
And Skrymir's eyes opened, bleary, and he said,
"Huh? Did an [[acorn]] fall on my head?"<center><center>The gods did not sleep that night.
In the morning, Skrymir awoke, and his cheer was like a thorn to the exhausted, frustrated gods.
Stewing with such anger that even Loki had the sense not to push, Thor glared up at the giant hatefully.
Skrymir did not notice.
"Before we part," Skrymir said down to them,
"I have a piece of advice!
The king of the Outyards tolerates not arrogance;
I would suggest you turn back now!"
And Skrymir turned and swaggered off;
And the gods all collectively agreed that they were glad that asshole was gone.
They continued on, and after a few more hours of travel,
they reached the [[Outyards]].<center>The castle of the Outyards was massive.
Freyr craned his head back so far his neck started to hurt, and he still couldn't see the top of it.
He was getting bad vibes from this place. Thor, however, wasn't. Freyr wasn't sure if he was genuinely optimistic, or if he just wanted to get this over with, but Thor strode right up to the castle gates, grabbed hold of them, and pulled.
The gates didn't budge an inch. Thor grunted, and pulled harder. His arms started to strain. His goats bleated at him disdainfully.
Loki snickered and just slipped between the bars of the gate. Freyr shrugged and followed.
After a minute straight of failure, Thor followed, dejected.
The main hall of the Outyards was massive. Two long benches extended a hundred meters to either side of the trio, each filled with hordes of Jötnar, giants, all of them over ten feet tall. The Jötnar feasted and shouted and paid no attention to the gods.
And at the end of the hall was the king of the Outyards, [[Utgard-Loki]].
(No relation to Aesir-Loki.)"Aesir!" Utgard-Loki boomed out a greeting as the gods approached.
"Vanir," Freyr corrected irritably.
"Loki!" Thor boomed back (nearly as loud as the king.)
"Ahem," Loki said.
"Loki, King of the Outyards!" Thor amended. "We come with a request from Odin himself!"
Utgard-Loki leaned forward in his throne. He was massive, dozens of feet tall, so gigantic that he made his own Jötnar followers look like children in comparison. He looked like his head would rise over the clouds.
"A request," Utgard-Loki said. He hummed, a sound that shook the ground. "I care not for it. None may stay within my hall without proving themselves worthy. Are you capable, Aesir? Have you any //feats// you feel are up to par?"
The three gods all looked at each other.
Freyr sighed. Between Loki's silver-tongue and inability to think before speaking, and Thor's sheer confidence and bravado, there was basically no way to figure out who would jump in first--
"//Well//," Loki called, drawing out the word and smirking, "I am quite capable in many respects! But one of my greatest skills, more impressive than the others -- I can eat faster than anyone!"
Well, okay, Freyr thought. Not the weirdest boast one of the Aesir had made around him.
Utgard-Loki leaned forward. His smirk was almost as cat-like as Aesir-Loki's. "Very well, then," he said. "Let me introduce your [[challenger]]."A trough filled to the brim with meat was presented to the gods. Thor started to drool, and, honestly, Freyr couldn't blame him. It did look appetizing...
Loki pranced up to one end of the trough. "What fool wants to waste his time?" he said. "My victory is quite literally inevitable!"
Utgard-Loki smiled, and clapped his hands. The gods prepared themselves for one of the Jötnar at the tables to rise.
Instead, the man that appeared was shorter than Thor.
"Your challenger!" Utgard-Loki proclaimed. "His name is Logi! The two of you will compete. Whoever eats the fastest shall be declared the winner!"
So in the hall of Utgard-Loki, Loki and Logi prepared for the challenge. (And yes, that's three separate people named in that sentence.) They both moved to opposite ends of the trough.
Utgard-Loki clapped his hands together, and the two contestants began.
Freyr had to admit, Loki's boast hadn't been an outright lie (which he had half-expected.) Loki scarfed down entire flanks of meat in seconds, in a manner that was frankly horrific. Loki left bones picked clean, and Freyr was left feeling a little sick.
Loki reached the center of the trough, smirking boldly -- and then they all took a look at Logi's side of the trough.
Or, rather, what //had been// the trough, because in the time Loki had eaten all of the meat, Logi had eaten through the meat, the bones, and the //trough itself.//
Loki's smirk fell away. Sheer and utter confusion slipped onto his face.
Logi shot him a finger-gun and walked off.
"It seems you have failed," Utgard-Loki remarked. "Who next will [[step up]] to the challenge?"Loki looked so stunned that Thor instinctly moved to comfort him. That would surely start a fight that would last for a good while, so it looked like Freyr was up to bat.
"Well," Freyr said, drawing out the word to give himself some time to think. What was he good at?
...What //was// he good at? He was the king of Álfheimr. He possessed a magical sword that fought on its own. He owned that amazing golden boar.
...Was he just... kind of average? Certainly, Freyr thought, he was no Thor, mightiest being in all the nine realms. No Loki, famed for his biting charisma. Not quite as wise as Odin or Frigg, nor as skilled as Tyr...
...his twin sister was Queen of the Valkyries, receiver of half the dead and okay that was pretty impresssive but //fuck// he was just making himself depressed with this train of thought.
"Are you okay?" Utgard-Loki interrupted, sounding genuinely concerned.
Freyr blinked, forcing himself back to the moment. "Uh, yeah, yeah! I'm good at like, horse racing?"
"That's more about the horse than the man, isn't it?" Utgard-Loki asked.
//Fuck//, Freyr thought. "Yeah yeah I meant regular racing, actually."
"...Sure, dude," Utgard-Loki said. "To the [[course]]!"Utgard-Loki led the three gods to a long, flat running course on the outside of the castle. Loki and Thor followed behind distantly, consumed with some argument or another that Freyr didn't care to pay attention to.
His challenger waited for them. "Hugi," Utgard-Loki had said his name was on the way there. Hugi was slight of frame and stoic of expression.
Freyr wouldn't lose to this guy. He was a god of the Vanir. No way he would lose, right?
"Good luck in the race," Freyr told Hugi.
Hugi stared at him, eyes as dead as Freyr's hope of enjoying the trip. Freyr smiled uncomfortably and turned away.
The two of them squared up. Utgard-Loki clapped his hands, and Freyr rocketed forward. He was a warrior, a powerful one, and he was swift!
Hugi utterly destroyed him. By the time Freyr reached the end of the course, Hugi was waiting, blank eyes watching //mockingly//. (Maybe Freyr was ascribing too much malice to the man's stoic expression. Still, fuck him.)
"You'll have to do better than that!" Utgard-Loki laughed, and then Hugi returned to the starting position.
Oh shit, another try? Freyr was more than willing to accept.
It was all about the technique, he thought. He breathed deeply and blocked out everything else. When the signal to run came, he //ran//. His legs began to burn, but Freyr focused on just one thing: victory.
He still lost. But the gap was a lot smaller this time!
"A fine race," Utgard-Loki allowed. "But will you be able to manage a third?"
Freyr was starting to get out of breath. He shrugged, but Hel if he was willing to give up now.
The race started again. The wind flying past him, the sun beating down, the nimble form of Hugi just off to the side -- none of it mattered. Freyr surrendered his attention fully to the run, to the race, to...?
...To another defeat, as Hugi skidded to a stop just an arrow's width ahead. Freyr skidded to a stop, planted his hands on his knees, and heaved in air like his everliving life depended on it.
"I've never seen one put up such a strong showing," Utgard-Loki admitted.
"You got //three fucking tries//," Loki snapped. He looked genuinely angry. "You lost! Time to move on!"
"You did lose, my friend," Thor said.
"Yeah," Freyr admitted. "I guess I did lose that one. Hey, good races, though."
Freyr smiled towards Hugi.
Hugi stared at him.
Freyr hurried back into the castle with [[everyone else]]."It seems it's up to me," Thor said, as they returned to the main hall. If it were anyone else, Freyr would be annoyed by the bravado -- but things generally tended to fall to Thor, so, fair enough. "I'll compete in one of my best talents -- drinking!"
Freyr and Loki both shared a glance and smiled, confident in the group's upcoming victory. Thor was absolutely exceptional at three things: Optimism, violence, and drinking. (Not necessarily in that order.)
Utgard-Loki pulled a massive drinking horn and set it down in front of the group. "Very well!" he boomed. "This is an //average// horn in my hall. Even my most pathetic thanes can empty it in three gulps!"
Thor smiled brightly at him, took hold of the horn, and swallowed one massive gulp. His smile withered instantly and he reared back, coughing. "Agh! This is the worst mead I've ever had in my life!"
"But can you finish it?" Utgard-Loki asked mildly.
Thor rallied quickly. "Of course!" he said, and then he froze when he peered into the horn. Freyr and Loki both looked into it and paled: it looked as if Thor hadn't made a dent.
But that couldn't be...
Thor's smile rallied, and he took another swig, handling the drink far better this time. Unfortunately, Freyr and Loki were both in prime position to see the drink's level fall -- just barely.
"This can't be right," Freyr muttered.
"This is-- rigged," Loki protested. "It must be!"
"The Aesir, such sore losers!" Utgard-Loki mocked.
"Worry not, friends!" Thor said. "I will make my final drink //count//!"
Thor hoisted the drinking horn up, and drank for as long as he could. He drank, and drank, and drank. He drank enough that weaker men would collapse, enough that, surely, no living being could match.
Thor grinned and placed the horn down.
It hadn't even dropped by half a meter.
"Perhaps another challenge for the mighty [[Thor]]?" Utgard-Loki offered.A grey housecat greeted the trio of gods. It meowed pleasantly at them. Loki glared at it.
"This is my cat," Utgard-Loki said. "Pick him up, Thor."
Now, Thor was many things, and while "optimistic" and "confident" generally described him, no one would pretend Thor was a liar. So Thor had to admit to himself: he was a little shaken by his failure in the drinking contest. But this was a mere cat! A challenge so easy, the king of the Outyards was practically mocking him!
So Thor grinned widely, cracked his knuckles, and grabbed hold of the cat.
He lifted.
The cat arched its back and didn't otherwise budge.
"Oh, no," Freyr wailed. "Oh no."
"Thor that is a //cat//," Loki demanded. "You //cannot// fail this!"
"Don't worry, friends!" Thor said, and if his grin was a little shakier, well, no one was going to call him on it.
He pulled on the cat with all of his might, but this feline frustration was powerful! He would have to go beyond his limits here, and truly test the extent of his strength! But he was the ''mighty Thor''! He'd battled scarier cats for breakfast!
Thor flexed his muscles, and ''pulled''. Lightning crashed against the roof of the castle, and the smell of a flood swept through the hall. Thor screamed, clouds whirling through his bloodstream, lightning dancing in his veins. Thor ''pulled''.
The cat went up a little bit more. One of its paws slipped off of the ground.
His strength failed him. His grip on the cat faltered. The cat sat back on the ground, purring. It meowed again.
Thor put his head in his hands.
"Holy shit," Freyr was muttering.
"A //cat//," Loki said. His eyes were haunted. He'd never even considered this series of events was a possibility.
"[[So]]," Utgard-Loki said.Thor screamed with such sudden ferocity that the hall shook.
"''Fine''!" he boomed. "Your ''cat'' may be heavy, and your ''drinks'' may be deep! But ''none can best //THOR// in battle''! Send out your //strongest warriors// and fight me!"
Calling Mjölnir to his hand, Thor whirled around, looking towards any of the Jötnar who would ''dare'' challenge him!
The nearest Jötunn looked at Thor and laughed. "Ha! Fighting you would be a waste of my time!" he crowed.
Lightning flashed, and Thor was about ready to commit murder then and there when Utgard-Loki stepped in. "Mighty Thor," he said, "do not worry! I have chosen one of my own to fight you. I believe this opponent should be to your level of skill!"
Thor took a deep breath and forced himself to settle. "Thank you, King Loki!" he called. He turned towards the king, and then froze.
"Oh no, Thor," Loki whispered. "Why did you say that, Thor?"
(While Freyr seemed to be stuck on outright disbelief, Loki had already moved on towards sheer despair.)
Because when Thor turned towards his challenger, an old woman, five foot (one-and-a-half meters) tall and at least ninety-years-old greeted him.
"Why hello sonny," the elderly woman croaked, her voice hoarse.
"This is my nurse," Utgard-Loki said.
"''//What//''," Thor said.
"Her name is [[Elli]]," Utgard-Loki added.The appearance of Elli forced a new surge of emotions through the collective of gods. While Thor's brain simply hadn't processed the challenger in front of him, it seemed to kickstart a new drive in the other two.
"Thor, don't fight an old woman," Freyr pleaded.
"Break her fucking spine, Thor!" Loki demanded.
Thor sent away Mjölnir. He clasped his hands together. He took a deep breath.
"Very well," Thor said. "I will fight this woman. What happens next is on your hands, King Loki."
Utgard-Loki shrugged.
Thor squared up with the elderly nurse Elli. She smiled at him. Thor glared, regarding her as disdainfully as he'd regard the most vicious of opponents.
Thor surged forward, swinging a massive fist.
Elli caught his hand.
...
What followed next wasn't pleasant for anyone. There's no need to mince words, here.
Thor got fucking destroyed by that old woman.
It wasn't even close. Thor brought down both of his fists at her and she just grabbed his arms and forced him down. The more he struggled, the more steadfast the old woman was. And finally, finally (after about a minute), Thor was brought down to his knees.
"Well," Utgard-Loki said. "It seems that you've //all// lost. What a [[waste of time]].""It was cute!" Elli laughed good-naturedly and walked off.
Thor sat there on his knees and stared at nothing.
Loki and Freyr both stood and stared at him.
"This entire thing was just depressing to watch," Utgard-Loki continued. "I mean, hey. Good job in persevering in the face of complete and utter failure. I said you had to complete a challenge to stay, but... I feel bad."
"You hear that, Thor?" Loki said. His mocking tone was hollow. "You're a failure."
"Now, hold on," Freyr interjected. "We're //all// failures."
"Indeed," Utgard-Loki agreed. "Now come. You have earned your stay in my castle. [[Sort of]], I guess?"<center>And so the three gods spent the rest of the day and night at the Outyards,
although even with the dawn of the next day,
not even Thor's mood had improved.
Business was done, and eventually Utgard-Loki led the trio of gods out of his castle;
"He's going to shit-talk me so much once we leave," Thor mumbled.
The three gods all departed from the castle, their moods sour;
But Utgard-Loki leaned over the walls of his castle, and called to the three of them,
''"Aesir!"''
("No, you fucker," Freyr said, too far to actually respond.)
''"Now that you've left my castle,
you will never return!
Allow me to [[confess]] why!"''<center><center>And Utgard-Loki revealed;
All was not as it seemed!
First, Utgard-Loki admitted,
''"I was the giant Skrymir that you met in the wilds!"''
And Thor gasped with shock,
While Loki and Freyr exchanged a glance and said "I thought that was obvious?"
''"But that is not all!"'' Utgard-Loki said.
''"You see, I am a master of //illusion//!
When you attempted to strike me with your hammer,
you actually missed!
If it had struck me on the head, I would have died!
Instead, you carved a valley into the land!"''
"Oh!" Thor said, his mood slightly improved.
"Wait," Loki said, already getting a sense for where this was going.
''"But that is [[not all]]!"'' Utgard-Loki said.<center>''"You see, my entire castle was cloaked in illusions the whole time!"'' Utgard-Loki declared.
''"Your challenger, Logi? He was actually //wildfire itself//! You stood no chance of victory against such a concept!"''
"//No//," Loki said, because he was not used to being on the other side of a trick.
''"Your challenger, Hugi? He was actually //thought itself//! You stood no chance of victory against such a concept!"''
"What the fuck," Freyr whispered. "That's completely unfair."
''"That drinking horn? It was no drink! It actually connected to the ocean -- and still, mighty Thor, there are now beaches where there used to be water!"''
"You //tricked// us?" Thor called back over the castle walls.
''"That cat of mine? No cat at all! It was actually the World Serpent, Jörmungandr, and the whole of Midgard was terrified when you lifted it even slightly!"''
"//What//?" Thor demanded, growing more furious by the word.
"Jörmungandr?!" Loki said, absolutely fucking baffled.
''That old woman you fought? No mere nurse! She was the incarnation of age, a foe no one can best! And yet you still withstood for far too long for my comfort!"''
''"Thus! It would be best if we [[never saw each other again]]!"''<center><center>"//You ''TRICKED'' us//?" Thor bellowed, and the ground shook with his rage. "//You ''COWARD''//!"
And Thor summoned Mjölnir and swung it towards the castle of the Outyards,
but in an instant,
the castle had disappeared, taking Utgard-Loki with it!
Thor screamed in anger and allowed Mjölnir to fall.
"That cat was my fucking //son//?" Loki said, still stuck on that point.
(And in retrospect, the cat's meows did sound strangely like the words "Father why am I here," in a serpent's tongue...)
The three gods all took some time to process the revelations of Utgard-Loki,
and eventually,
they came to a consensus.
"This was the worst place we've ever visited," Loki snarled.
"Agreed!" Thor said.
"A day's trip," Freyr whispered.
And with that, they returned to Asgard;
And while the familiar phrase,
"Loki caused all of the problems today,"
was still correct,
it took on a meaning it never had before.<center>